“Ladies and gentlemen, the show is so long, that Avatar now takes place in the past.”

Co-host funny man Steve Martin said it best as he wrapped up the 3-hour plus show late into the night at the Kodak Theatre while echoing the sentiments of many voters in the Academy. That the supersized show with supersized categories and many random sequences took a toll on proceedings, resulting in a less ceremonious and rushed Best Picture victory for The Hurt Locker. Academy favourite son Tom Hanks even skipped announcement of the esteemed nominees.

And Martin was right on the money on another point – Avatar became an afterthought after losing out to The Hurt Locker in the most talked-about showdown between the low budget war drama and the monster blockbuster 3D sci-fi fantasy with a monstrous budget.

David took down Goliath, didn’t he? Or rather, didn’t she?

For brevity sake, read our condensed version here,  released 5 minutes after the ceremony before you can say The Straits Times. Yep, we beat them to the punch!

For a blow-by-blow, or tweet-by-tweet account, read our twitter feeds here and red carpet transcript here.

For predictions, read here. UrbanWire’s columnist, yours truly, scored 7 correct in 8 major categories and 17 out of 20 overall. Pat on my back! The self-congratulation continues…

The score line read like a tennis game: The Hurt Locker 6 Avatar 3. Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, Best Film Editing, Best Sound Editing, Best Sound Mixing for THL while Avatar won in the visuals section with Best Art Direction, Best Cinematography and Best Visual Effects.

The 82nd Annual Academy Awards was produced by Adam Shankman and Bill Mechanic, the former a judge on reality dance show So You Think You Can Dance. So naturally, the show opened with a song and dance number by Neil Patrick Harris (that bling tuxedo jacket was as Elton John as it gets) in a throwback to Old Hollywood, all glamorous and feather boas. We heard an NBC joke somewhere in the number too.

Hosts Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin did the usual opening jokes, dissing the dolled up stars and running the laugh riot act. Their co-star on It’s Complicated, Meryl Streep, was the butt of several jokes. “Meryl Streep holds the most number of nominations as an actress. Or, as I like to think of it, most losses,” quipped Martin. He continued later, “Can that woman act? And what’s up with all the Hitler memorabilia?” Perfect.

Others were not spared, especially George Clooney who suffered many lingering camera shots just because. “Oh, look, that’s damn Helen Mirren,” Martin pointed at the Supporting Actress nominee. Baldwin corrected with a smug, “That’s Dame Helen Mirren.”

The hosts worked like seasoned pros, or better still, like an old married couple. “Over here is the ‘Inglourious Basterds’ section,” said Martin. Baldwin jumped in, “And over here are the people who made the movie.”

There were 3D glasses thrown in for good measure, as Baldwin and Martin wore them and stared straight at James Cameron, King of the World and Ruler of 3D. And the show went into autopilot drive, dishing out award after award. Christoph Waltz picked up Best Supporting Actor for his devilish role as a Nazi officer in Inglourious Basterds, in what turned out to be the only win of the night for Quentin Tarantino’s star-studded movie.

Up nailed Best Animated Feature as expected followed by ‘The Weary Kind’ by T-Bone Burnett and Ryan Bingham in Crazy Heart for Best Original Song.

Tina Fey, star of 30 Rock and Ironman Robert Downey Jr. got the audience cheering and perhaps high-fiving with a not-so-inside joke sequence. “Memorising, not paraphrasing,” Fey the writer told RDJ the actor. He retorted, shamelessly, “Actors want scripts with social relevance, warm-weather locations, phone-call scenes that can be shot separately from that insane actress that I hate.” Can we request for them to return next year?

The audience woke up from its mid-show slumber when Tina Fey read out The Hurt Locker‘s win for Best Original Screenplay, beating out favourite Inglourious Basterds. Was that a sign of things to come for the war drama whose production budget was a tenth of Avatar‘s? Writer and former journalist Mark Boal paid an emotional tribute to the soldiers in Iraq and his late father. The sentimentalities continued with a tribute to writer-director-producer John Hughes of National Lampoon’s Vacation and Home Alone fame.

In the spirit of the times, Ben Stiller outdid himself and appeared onstage in blue as a Na’vi to present Best Makeup. Irony: Avatar wasn’t even nominated in this category. He rattled off in Na’vi language, which he selflessly translated into “this was a better idea at rehearsal”.

He then grabbed the fishing line attached to his tail and flailed it helplessly before staring at James Cameron uttering an ambiguous and the naughtiest line of the night: “I see you, I want to plug my tail, my braid, into your dragon.” Whoa, I bet even the egomaniacal director didn’t see that one coming at all. By the way, Star Trek won Best Makeup.

Winners were kept to 45-second speeches for brevity, which to be honest, might as well not exist at all. Winners were reminded of the Thank You cams backstage where they could thank whoever they wanted, including their neighbour’s dog. But seriously, what about the audience? Where were the teary speeches and catcalls? We don’t mind a thank you speech to Sandra Bullock’s neighbour’s dog, as long it’s hilarious.

Jake Gyllenhaal and the ever gorgeous Rachel McAdams in an Elie Saab Haute Couture floral print dress presented Best Adapted Screenplay and what a shocker it turned out to be because Precious won. Up in the Air was snubbed!

UITA, considered one of the best films by critics and audiences, landed nothing in the category they were expected to OWN. This loss echoed its run-up since autumn 09 with so much promise in the beginning that fizzled out by the time awards season started. Why? My guess is still up in the air.

A standing ovation was in order for Mo’Nique, who won Best Supporting Actress for her monstrous role of an abusive mother in Precious. Her classy speech was a joy to behold as she congratulated the Academy for “showing that it can be about the performance and not the politics”. Mo’Nique refused to campaign or meet the press during awards season. She also refused to shave her legs (read: Golden Globes).

And by the time Sigourney Weaver wearing a bold red gown (didn’t she get the memo from the rest of the cast?) appeared onstage to present Best Art Direction to Avatar, there was a sense of relief that the 3D blockbuster was not slighted or ignored by the Academy. Tom Ford, fashion designer and director of A Single Man, and Sarah Jessica Parker, fashion muse, presented Best Costume to Sandy Powell for The Young Victoria. “I already have 2 of these,” said Powell. You can pass your third statuette to me, if you ask me.

The hosts appeared again to show us a spoof of Paranormal Activity. A slapstick act well done, including the watching-the-awards-show-from-backstage scene. In a conspicuous and vulgar move to boost ratings, young starlets and eye candies Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart appeared onstage looking radiant (and constipated), sending millions of Twilight fans gushing worldwide. They presented a very random Horror Movies montage, which included clips of Psycho, Rosemary Baby, The Exorcist and…Twilight. Seriously?! I always thought Twilight was a teenager stripper movie (oh the abs!). Somebody return me my $10 movie ticket money stat!

Morgan Freeman narrated the Best Sound Editing and Mixing category using The Dark Knight as an excellent example. Well done Academy for reminding us TDK was shut out from last year’s Oscars! More Young Hollywood beckoned as Zac “Immaculate” Effron and Anna Kendrick presented the abovementioned awards to The Hurt Locker.

Sandra Bullock presented Best Cinematography to Avatar and James Taylor performed In Memoriam. We saw Brittany Murphy, Natasha Richardson and even Michael Jackson. But where was Farrah Fawcett?

In another show of excess and extravagance, the Best Original Score nominees were performed and interpreted vis a vis a modern dance troupe. But we didn’t care, not even for that weird robot dance. Only if Ben Stiller danced…so Up won Best Original Score and Avatar won Best Visual Effects.

The Cove, a brilliant documentary on dolphin slaughter and trading in Japan filmed with passion and bravery, won Best Documentary Feature. In a sign of activism (remember Michael Moore?), Ric O’Barry held a banner urging audiences to text to a number for updates on the dolphin trade.

And the ceremony shifted into high gear despite the ticking bomb um, clock. 5 colleagues (Michelle Pfeiffer, Vera Farmiga, Julianne Moore, Tim Robbins and Colin Firth) appeared on stage to honour the 5 nominees. It’s a nice gesture but time’s running out! Perhaps the segment should be canned. Film an Inside Studio segment instead and screen it in future, please?

Best Actor award went to Jeff Bridges for playing Bad Blake in Crazy Heart. The highly regarded and underrated actor let out a joyous laugh and went on to thank his “Mommy and Dad (the late Lloyd and Dorothy Bridges) for turning me on to such a groovy profession.” The Dude had spoken and the self-congratulations continued in the Academy.

Sean Penn, in an incoherent speech, presented Best Actress to Sandra Bullock who gave a heartfelt speech, considered the best of the night. “Did I really earn this or did I wear ya all down?” exclaimed Sandy. For the record, she earned an Oscar and a Razzie, setting a new record. She went on to praise (“Carey, your grace, your beauty and your talent… makes me sick”) and flirted (“Meryl, you’re such a good kisser”) with her fellow nominees. And to her mom, whom she considered a trailblazer. That’s when we all started to well up.

And out came diva and 2-time Academy Award winner Barbra Streisand to present Best Director, an obvious hint Kathryn Bigelow would win. She opened the envelope and announced fittingly, “Well, the time has come.”

There were cheers and catcalls, which we then saw Kathryn Bigelow making history and walking onstage to collect the Best Director award. Bigelow is the first female director to win Best Director in an industry crowded with alpha males and infused with gender politics. She is also the first female director I have seen with such nice biceps.

Bigelow dedicated her award to Mark Boal “who sacrified his life”, the people of Jordan, and the soldiers overseas. “May they come home safe,” said Bigelow. By then, the air of excitement was palpable. The Hurt Locker looked all ready to blast.

Academy Governor Tom Hanks rushed onstage, skipped announcing the 10 esteemed nominees and uttered The Hurt Locker for Best Picture. Bigelow rushed back onstage to collect her award and the entire Academy looked on at Cameron in sympathy. The contest between Avatar and The Hurt Locker turned out to be pedestrian, as THL took home 6 awards and had all the languishing independent film studios believing they can.

The show closed with Martin stealing Bigelow’s statue, finally introducing Baldwin, and Baldwin quickly bidding farewell (“That’s all the time we have!”) to the weary audience (half of them were already at the bar or canoodling backstage), informing us once again why the Academy showmasters never learnt.

In an age of online streaming, live twitter updates and minute-after uploads, the Oscars broadcast on television may seem out of touch but it can still be relevant. If the audience waited months watching Hollywood turn into a circus during awards season, the additional 20 or 30 minutes showing Ben Stiller dancing or actresses giving long-winded teary speeches would be just fine. Just spare us the modern dance segments.

Images captured from recorded footage.

And the winners are…

Best Picture
The Hurt Locker

Best Actor
Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart

Best Actress
Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side

Best Supporting Actor
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

Best Supporting Actress
Mo’Nique, Precious

Best Director
Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker

Best Original Screenplay
Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker

Best Adapted Screenplay
Geoffrey Fletcher, Precious

Best Animated Film
Up

Best Foreign Language Film
El Secreto do Sus Ojos (Argentina)

Best Art Direction
Avatar

Best Cinematography
Avatar

Best Costume Design
The Young Victoria

Best Documentary
The Cove

Best Film Editing
The Hurt Locker

Best Makeup
Star Trek

Best Original Score
Up

Best Original Song
‘The Weary Kind’ from Crazy Heart by T-Bone Burnett & Ryan Bingham

Best Sound Editing
The Hurt Locker

Best Sound Mixing
The Hurt Locker

Best Visual Effects
Avatar

Best Documentary Short
Music by Prudence

Best Animated Short
Logorama

Best Live-Action Short
The New Tenants

Boom. The bomb squad is moving in now at the Kodak Theatre.

And so it has just been decided after 3 hours of glitz, self-congratulations, spilled Moet, brief speeches and making history at the 82nd Academy Awards, war drama The Hurt Locker wins Best Picture. Coupled with Best Director for Kathryn Bigelow (first ever female director to win), Best Original Screenplay, Best Film Editing,  Best Sound Editing and Best Sound Mixing, the low-budget (production budget is 1/10 of Avatar) and low-grossing film at the box office ends up the biggest winner with six awards.

What can we make of James Cameron and the Na’vi people from Avatar, the monster blockbuster and one of the favourites to win Best Picture? At least it scores in the less glamorous categories – Best Visual Effects, Best Cinematography and Best Art Direction. No matter, the awards are always secondary to the titanic box office takings.

Jeff Bridges, Mo’Nique and Christoph Waltz win Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor and Best Supporting Actress respectively. Yawn. All were locked in winners before James Cameron ruled 3D and the box office. What about the match up between Sandra Bullock and Meryl Streep? No drama there either, as Sandra Bullock clinches Best Actress with panache. To boot, she won the Razzie earlier and even showed up to accept it. Don’t we just love Sandy?

The only shocker here? Up in the Air’s loss to Precious for Best Adapted Screenplay. Most considered the film to be the best this year, including this writer. At least writer-director Jason Reitman is still young full of remarkable potential and we can’t wait for his next hit after Thank You for Smoking, Juno and UITA. Another almost empty-handed loser is Inglourious Basterds, save for its Best Supporting Actor win.

But perhaps, the real biggest loser is the audience. What happened to a great awards show? Where is Brangelina?! Speeches are so short thanks to the backstage Thank You cams so here’s to an average awards show with predictable winners, succinct speeches without any dramatic tears or catcalls and safe dresses in safer colours at the red carpet.

Nonetheless, we love the triumph of the underdog and how The Hurt Locker reminded us that the little movie can.

Check back here for a full and complete coverage of the Oscars tonight. Until then, see you at the movies.

And the winners are…

Best Picture
The Hurt Locker

Best Actor
Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart

Best Actress
Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side

Best Supporting Actor
Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

Best Supporting Actress
Mo’Nique, Precious

Best Director
Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker

Best Original Screenplay
Mark Boal, The Hurt Locker

Best Adapted Screenplay
Geoffrey Fletcher, Precious

Best Animated Film
Up

Best Foreign Language Film
El Secreto do Sus Ojos (Argentina)

Best Art Direction
Avatar

Best Cinematography
Avatar

Best Costume Design
The Young Victoria

Best Documentary
The Cove

Best Film Editing
The Hurt Locker

Best Makeup
Star Trek

Best Original Score
Up

Best Original Song
‘The Weary Kind’ from Crazy Heart by T-Bone Burnett & Ryan Bingham

Best Sound Editing
The Hurt Locker

Best Sound Mixing
The Hurt Locker

Best Visual Effects
Avatar

Best Documentary Short
Music by Prudence

Best Animated Short
Logorama

Best Live-Action Short
The New Tenants

The Oscars race this year feels rather lacklustre, perhaps a telling reflection of the movie calendar for the past year, thanks to the writers’ strike in 2008 that seriously affected the industry, creating a ripple effect and dearth of quality screenplays. A look at the 8 major categories and I can lock in at least 6 dead certain winners. Where’s the fun then?

We know you have to win the office pool and impress the female receptionist.Well, try upping the stakes in the dramatic showdown between David and Goliath, ex-wife versus ex-husband, bomb squad versus blue creatures, $1.5 million versus $237 million, you versus the impressionable female receptionist, or simply The Hurt Locker and Avatar. Despite upsizing to include 10 nominations, the playing field narrows into a lockdown between the low-budget suspenseful war drama The Hurt Locker (picture below) and the spectacular 3D fantasy epic Avatar (picture above) in the Best Picture category.

Both films have been sweeping wins at awards’ dinners and critics’ circles, but in my opinion, the year’s best belongs to Up in the Air, the all-American movie about retrenchment, unemployment, ambitions, traditions and coping with the new world order, clearly a true reflection of our times. The Zeitgeist would agree (in fact, read about his top 10 movies of 2009). Doesn’t the Academy just love to award movies that are of the zeitgeist, of the moment (read: Chicago’s win in 2003)? How UITA lost its frontrunner momentum still befuddles me. But I digress from the Avatar-Hurt Locker love fest.

Maybe the Academy couldn’t resist some drama. After all, they are in the business of moviemaking. The recent controversy surrounding THL producer Nicolas Chartier’s ban from attending the Oscars after his email urging voters to not vote presumably for Avatar is an example of raising alarm over smoke. Plus all eyes will be on THL director Kathryn Bigelow and Avatar director, a.k.a. king of the world, James Cameron, once-married couple and present rivals in the Best Director category.

And who can resist a triumph of the underdog story? We want THL to win, not just Best Picture, but also Best Director and Best Original Screenplay. We want indie pictures to put in a good fight. Slumdog Millionaire, Little Miss Sunshine, Brokeback Mountain – these are some of the movies we were rooting for in recent times. We hear some folks still can’t quit griping over Brokeback’s loss to Crash.

Categories from Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor, Best Supporting Actress to Best Adapted Screenplay are locked in and those Up in the air include Best Picture, Best Original Screenplay and just maybe, and I meant maybe in the strictest sense, Best Actress. And that’s because I’m in love with Carey Mulligan, whom Variety hails as the next Audrey Hepburn. Again, I digress with this crush. And so here are my humble and serious predictions for your consideration. You can paint me Na’vi blue if I don’t score at least 6 out of 8 correct predictions this time round. Eltu ayoe eywa hapxi kewong!

Best Actor

Colin Firth, A Single Man

George Clooney, Up in the Air

Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart

Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker

Morgan Freeman, Invictus

Alcoholic, estranged father, triple divorcee and a has-been country singer relegated to singing in the saloons. Jeff Bridges inhabits the multiple challenging roles as Bad Blake in Crazy Heart, which is what voters love. During an early scene where Bridges reclined in a chair with his beer belly exposed and a glass of whiskey in his hand, you knew that sense of grittiness would send him on the highway to Oscar glory. Bridges is one of the most underrated – 5 nominations so far – actors who deserves to win.

Best Actress

Carey Mulligan, An Education

Gabourey Sidibe, Precious: Based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire

Helen Mirren, The Last Station

Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia

Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side

My heart says Carey Mulligan, but my head knows Sandra Bullock will be the sentimental favourite to win as the fearless and feisty Leigh Ann Tuohy, mother to an African-American teenager who life coached and pushed him to succeed in football. Bullock is a spitfire and the Academy loves a comeback win (after a series of flops before The Blind Side) for one of their own darlings. Brit Mulligan ranks as an outsider with her classy turn in An Education. Fingers crossed she wins, which would be a wonderful blind side.

Best Supporting Actor

Christopher Plummer, The Last Station

Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds

Matt Damon, Invictus

Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones

Woody Harrelson, The Messenger

Evil reigns in 2 outstanding roles here – Stanley Tucci as a serial killer and Christoph Waltz as the delicious and devilish Nazi officer Colonel Hans, who strikes fear with his cold and calculated gaze. Don’t bet against the latter evil incarnate.

Best Supporting Actress

Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air

Maggie Gyllenhaal, Crazy Heart

Mo’Nique, Precious: Based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire

Penelope Cruz, Nine

Vera Farmiga, Up in the Air

We know Mo’Nique is a sure-win as the abusive and deranged mother of a teenage daughter. She was a monster who made us hate her despite playing a character that was supposed to win our hearts. Mothers are supposed to be nice. I wanna do a shout out to the sensational Penelope Cruz as the mistress who seduces the audience with a sexy and titillating dance number. Damn, those legs are hot! Who knew ropes could be so fun?

Best Director

Lee Daniels, Precious: Based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire

James Cameron, Avatar

Jason Reitman, Up in the Air

Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker

Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds

We’re about to witness history here. Kathryn Bigelow will be the first female director to win the award for steering The Hurt Locker. Bigelow worked magic not in the explosion but in the sequence leading up to it, the minutes, the seconds and suspense that is killing the audience. It’s a masterful and realistic work of Hitchcockian suspense – way better than rendering 3D effects on a computer.

Best Picture

An Education

A Serious Man

Avatar

The Blind Side

District 9

The Hurt Locker

Inglourious Basterds

Precious: Based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire

Up

Up in the Air

Stranger things can happen when it comes to a Best Picture. Gatecrashers (Crash), surprised winners (Shakespeare in Love) and those with momentum that never made it. Up in the Air is an example of a piece of work with great buzz as early as last autumn, but somehow the pendulum has swung in The Hurt Locker’s favour after it won several awards, including its esteemed win at the Directors Guild of America awards.

The category takes another strange or complex turn with a new voting style: voters vote in order of preference, which means every film gets a vote, so it boils down to the second, third or even fourth choices. This translates into a tight race hence many are throwing Avatar into the mix for a two-horse race thanks to its populist wave.

I’ll go with The Hurt Locker simply because it has momentum.

More insights on the 10 nominees here.

Best Original Screenplay

A Serious Man

The Hurt Locker

Inglourious Basterds

The Messenger

Up

It’s a tale of 2 brilliant screenplays so vastly different in their treatment – one doesn’t say much except to build on what is unseen and the other talks way too much, smacking of wit, pomposity and fun. We’re referring to The Hurt Locker and Inglourious Basterds, the 2 films locked in a tight race. Quentin Tarantino is such a fave with actors and actresses in the Academy so the lobbying might help. We’ll go with The Hurt Locker considering its potential in Best Picture. Usually, a Best Picture and Original Screenplay go well together, like entrée and dessert.

Best Adapted Screenplay

District 9

An Education

In the Loop

Precious: Based on the novel ‘Push’ by Sapphire

Up in the Air

It’s my favourite film of the year so I will be partial and generous in my plaudits here: The writing is sharp, clever and lucid, possessing a playful wit. Jason Reitman proves he can write and direct and after 3 successful features (Thank You For Smoking, Juno and Up in the Air). It hurts to know UITA might not win Best Picture, but at least, it lands and wins something.

And the rest of the categories:

Best Animated Film – Up, up and away!

Best Art Direction – Lush forest, forest fairies and those darn mountains hanging in mid-air! Somebody bring me to Pandora. Avatar by a mile.

Best Costume – It’s a fine, fine line between fashion and costume and the pieces in Coco Before Chanel serve the film well.

Best Cinematography – Again, bring me to Pandora. In 3D. Avatar, no contest.

Best Documentary – The Cove. Inspiring, moving and this is how a documentary is supposed to be made: with bravery and passion.

Best Film Editing – How do you create suspense? Cut scenes according to precision (wires, facial expression, cutting wires, facial…boom!). Kudos to The Hurt Locker.

Best Makeup – I’ve no idea and it’s the strangest category with 3 nominations only. Say, Star Trek?

Best Music (Original Score) – Avatar. Hello? It’s James Horner, the Titanic man.

Best Music (Original Song) – ‘The Weary Kind’ in Crazy Heart. That song has so much gravitas especially after you’ve watched the film.

Best Sound Editing – The Hurt Locker.

Best Sound Mixing – See above.

Best Visual Effects – No brainer. Give it up for Avatar.

Do you agree with Ronald’s predictions? Take the challenge! Let’s see who shall paint who blue! Comment away.